The Midnight News 5/27/02
Posted By Hyatte on 05.27.02
Raw, Aloha, Missy, Angle, Trades, Ashish, Hollywood, Books, a Classic Closer, Message Boredom, and Guess Who's Back Baby!!!
And by the way, is your article an attempt to rip off of Scott Keith's humor or do you really think you're funny?
insaneclownsii@yahoo.com
Scott Keith has a sense of humor? Since when? Where's the proof?
As for me, I have my moments.
came crawling back like the bitch you are I see.
SunTattoo20@aol.com
Yup. And in a nick of time, apparently.
Hello, I'm Chris and the MIDNIGHT NEWS IS BACK!!! Once a week.... just once. I actually missed doing these. It was long as Hell, and tedious... but fun. Of course, stupid ass me totally lost the submission board... so now I'm sitting here waiting for either Widro, Ashish, or Flea to wake up, check there e-mail, or sign onto AIM and take care of me... so this could be the NoonTime News for all I know.... bloody F*ck.... I feel like such a Canadian
Being the first column, it’s PACKED with stuff... so I'll open things up quick. Just a few little notes.
1) You'll get this three Mondays (Sunday nights) a month.... the fourth Monday you'll get a Mop-Up for whatever PPV is on.
2) There was no Judgment Day Mop-Up last week because I was sick. Huge monster cold/fever/wet lung. I know other recappers have worked sick... but I ain't other recappers... when I'm sick, I can't produce quality stuff... THEY can get away with it, because they SUCK... I can't. So I didn't do anything.
3) What you WON'T get in the Midnight News: Hardcore wrestling news that everyone is covering. No "week in review" nonsense. If something warrants my opinion, I'll opinionate... but I'll be looking for quiet, "between the cracks" news stories... and a WHOLE TON of other Non-Wrestling news stuff that I think is entertaining.... trust me, if I 5think it's entertaining, so will you... I know what you'll like.
4) From time to time, I will post a "Classic Closer". A lot of you never read my work at Scoops or ScoopThis... so you never read my Closers... my End of the Recap segment that everyone always enjoyed. So, I'll bring a few of my faves back. Plus, I'll re-write them so the people who DID read them before will get all new material in there too.
5) Across the Boards is here.... not every week.... but you'll get them
6) What you WILL get in the Midnight News: A promise. A promise that I will NOT bash wrestling just for the sake of bashing it. Writers who bash wrestling do it only because they think it gives them credibility. Bullshit. I won't bash, nor will I "mark out" for everything. I want this to be a column where you can just relax for a while, get a laugh or two, and feel good that they are at a wrestling website even while sitting in there office, blowing off work. Lots of stuff in here. With only a week, I can really bang out good crap for ya' It'll be long, but it won't be rambling. You'll like it.
7) Just remember... the format of this column was brand new when I started it almost a year ago... now everyone uses it. No one has thanked me yet, except for Grut and Flea.
8) Finally... send me stuff... stuff that you think would be entertaining. I need all sorts of stuff, wrestling and otherwise. Plus, if I ask for something in particular... BE READY TO LOAD ME UP. This column will only be as good as the material I have to work with. Cool? Cool. Let's get underway...
EXCLUSIVE RAW SPOILERS
Here's what'll happen:
The show will come on.
You'll all enjoy it, but won't have the nutsack to admit it, instead you'll read what Dickface Keith and Douchebag Mitchell have to say and go along with it. Bruce Mitchell may or may not do a "Raw Stream of Oh What Wit" column which is pretty much proof that he did read the Mop-Up back when I wrote it and stole the whole 'tude. He'll also refer to the WWE writers as "Idiots" in one form or the other.... yet fail to come up with any sort of better storyline.
Anyway, that's what will happen.
HAWAII HEY YO
Best I could do.... I know he ain’t around anymore.
Anywho, the WWF is FINALLY coming to Hawaii to perform at Neal S. Blaisdell Center in Honolulu on June 15th. It’s the Smackdown crew... and the ROCK will be there too.
8’710 tickets were available... and they all sold out. That ain’t much, and promoter Tom Moffat wished there was more.... but a sell-out is a sell-out.
Tickets ran as high as $90. That’s serious scratch considering that most Hawaiians apparently can’t afford shoes or shirts.
And don’t they live in caves?
I forget where I got this... I think it was from the site that Bob Barnett always hangs out at.
MCMAHON: SHORT ARMS-DEEP POCKETS
So, Kurt Angle will probably take two years off to train for the next Olympics.... and WWE is all for it! Believe me, they need the good press this would bring.
BUT.... the "F" may be gone... but the mindset stands... so Blackjack Brown from the Chicago Sun Times announced that the Federation is busy re-structuring Angle's contract. He can leave... oh sure.... but did he really think he would have gotten FULL PAYMENT while he's gone? N-word PLEASE.... this is Vince McMahon we're talking about. The guy's has the impression of Abe Lincoln mashed into his thumb from all the pennies he's pinched down on. In the immortal words of Pat Cooper: "The man don't go for a quarter!"
If he's lucky, Angle will get a mid-percentage on his owed dollar when this contract is all done.
TRADING PLACES
Blackjack Brown also says that we can expect Raw and Smackdown to start trading workers soon. He says that Hogan for Austin is a strong possibility.
Austin for Hogan? That won't work at ALL!!!
No, get Benoit on Raw and bring Kurt Angle with him. That will give Benoit tons of storylines to work with and make Angle the CLASSIC Fish-Out-Of-Water character. Can you imagine Angle running around screaming how unfair it is to take him away from McMahon? In trade, send Bradshaw to Smackdown because a solo push isn't working at all. he's better in a tag team scenario.... and Faarooq has ZERO to do anyway. As for who else? Well, William Regal is always best rubbing his snout up against Vince's buttocks. Get a few stars on Raw, a few off Smackdown and everything will be fine.
And if not Angle, then send Jericho to Raw instead. He is a main eventer now, whether you like it or NOT, and he could use some time away from HHH (I don't buy this "Glass ceiling" nonsense one bit, but I am pretty sure HHH has personal issues with Y2J).
By the way, this Blackjack Brown guy.... he rarely gets his news right. If he were on the Net today, he'd be called "The New Al Issacs"
WHY IS MEAN GENE ON MY SCREEN? AND HE AIN'T LEAN
The WWF's new show, Confidential got off to a big bang by having Shawn Michaels come on and admit that he knew ahead of time that they would be screwing Bret right out of the WWF title in Montreal in 1997. I distinctly remember Mike "MiCasa" Samuda reporting this (by way of Meltzer's hotline) way back when.... but it's still nice to finally hear the truth.
Jeeze, Michaels looked right in the eyes of Bret and his family and lied to him.
Aww F*ck it... IT'S ALL A WORK!!! BRET WILL BE BACK ANY WEEK NOW!!!
MISSY IS NOT MY SISTER
Which means I could bang her... cool. That's a chick who you could do in the ass.... with her head in a New York Subway Station toilet and she wouldn't make one peep about it.
Anyway, from the Torch's Newsletter, here's a story you'll like...
Big Dick Dudley is dead.... his real name was (or, I guess still is) Alex Rizzo... I said ALEX RIZZO!!! Open yer F*ckin' ears... jackass! (sorry, I always wanted to do that)
Anyway, Missy showed up at Rizzo's wake... against the wishes of his widow Donna Adamo... who used to be "Electra" from ECW. Adamo didn't go, simply because Missy showed. That caused a ruckus.
Now, Missy noticed that all of the well wishers and mourners were putting little mementos in Rizzo's coffin... so Missy wanted to do the same. Luckily, the only thing she had handy were some nude photos of her. (Oh, if God had a dick, he's make ALL girls do that!). Many people, family in particular, didn't feel that sticking a nude photo in the casket was appropriate.... Missy caused a scene.
Later, at a USA Pro Wrestling show in Long Island, one that was dedicated to Dick Rizzo Dudley. Missy had to be thrown out of the building by security. No one wanted her there, and she didn't even have a license to wrestle or work. She didn't go quietly... she caused another scene. Including a phone call to the cops.
That's all the Torch had, for the most part. Poor Missy. She used to be so hot.
Speaking of her... here's a nifty little segue:
BOOKS: PART I
Speaking of Missy Hyatt: One of the great things about Bookstores these days is that they are so eager to get people reading that they now set up little cafes in the store and allow people to read books at their own leisure without even buying them... so the other week, I stopped by a local Borders and paged through Missy Hyatt's new book. While it certainly isn't anything I'd recommend buying, I have to say... it was a fun book to breeze through. Missy keeps things simple, doesn't offer up any life redeeming lectures at the end, and just gets out as many facts as she legally can. If you're bored one day, go down to a store and go through it.... guaranteed it'll take you less than an hour to pretty much absorb the whole she-bang (heh heh... irony)
Here are some notable little bits in there:
1) On the back cover there's a blurb from Kevin Nash: "I may be the only wrestler Missy HASN'T slept with!" Funny.
2) She has nothing bad to say about Vince McMahon, except that he dresses funny.
3) Ric Flair likes to show off his penis.
4) Jason Hervey got some.... lots and lots of "some"
5) Val Venis.... that porn star gimmick is just that, a GIMMICK.
6) Dick Slater once beat the living shit out of Sting in the locker room.... and Sting took it like a prison BITCH.
7) Her best line was to "Cowboy" Bill Watts (paraphrased slightly) "Hey Bill, I fu**ed your son and still made him do my laundry, how do you like THAT, Cowboy?"
Light and frothy....
BOOKS: PART II
This has been out a while, but I wanted to make sure you heard that Vince Russo is currently writing a book on the rise of the WWF from an INSIDER'S point of view. This will be awesome. Russo has nothing to lose.... no job to risk.... nothing... he can speak his mind freely. Plus, I'm sure he has a few tremendous bugs up his ass. Should be a hoot. You rarely get books from insiders.... and NEVER gets books that don't "hold back". All we're usually stuck with a books from people who never been in a WWE locker room in their life.... they can only write from what they see on TV.
BOOKS PART III
Another writer who will chronicle the WWF's rise (is HE an insider TOO????) is Scott Keith (Oh... nope). Well, I went to Amazon dot com to see what the dilly was and found this:
Tonight... in This Very Ring: A Fan's History of Professional Wrestling
by Scott Keith
[Now I already have a problem with the title. Scott Keith is NOT a fan. Already he's lying.
No, NO Hyatte, you scream, Scott is a fan of Wrestling! Not of Sports Entertainment!
No, NO.... Scott Keith is a fan of Scott Keith! He thinks that becoming the next Dave Meltzer is the path of greatness! The fact that the subject is pro wrestling is hardly important. He would be "ranting" about Pro Rollerskating if he thought it would make him famous... and a respected thinker.
But I digress]
List Price: $18.95
Our Price: $13.27
You Save: $5.68 (30%)
This item will be published in November 2002. You may order it now and we will ship it to you when it arrives.
Edition: Paperback
Product Details
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: Unknown; ISBN: 0806524375; (November 2002)
Amazon.com Sales Rank: 35,063
[That's thirty five THOUSAND.... just in case you thought those "Top 15" Wrestling books Meltzer always puts up actually meant anything]
Our Customers' Advice
Recommend an item!
1 person recommended: Naked Places, A Guide for Gay Men to Nude Recreation and Travel, Third Edition in addition to Tonight... in This Very Ring: A Fan's History of Professional Wrestling
And THAT'S the ONLY reason why I posted this!!! God bless you people.... you're losers.... you mostly suck... and you usually have absolutely no intelligence... but by CHRIST, sometimes you are some FUNNY motherfukkas!!
Naked Places.... BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES!!!
Look.... we all loved Spider-Man and probably enjoyed 90% of Attack Of The Clones. Me? Spidey rocked! AOTC sort of rocked, but during that middle half hour where ALL THE MOVIE DID was cut from Obi-Wan hunting down Janga Fett and that looooooong ass romance between Anakin and the girl... I swear, I damn near fell asleep. Nice to see Yoda go all gangsta for a few seconds tho'.... booya.
Anyway.... This week... TODAY!! It's a day off... you've tanned all week... you've gotten drunk... you've banged some poon.... whatever... if you have to see a movie.... F-Spidey... F-Lucas... go see three of our country's best stars do some awesome work and go see Insomnia. If you think you know the movie from the commercials.... you don't. Go see it and wait for the BIG ASS twist early into the flick. You won't know WHO the good guy is here.
LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES!!!... NOT
While we are on the subject.... PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH PLEASE... DO NOT GO SEE The Sum Of All Fears. No, I didn't see it. No, I didn't read the book. I am just BEGGING you to NOT give Ben Affleck a hit movie!! Affleck is the first name all producers think of no matter what script they have.... Affleck is in about 50 movies from now to 2004.... if Affleck gets a hit movie... ONE hit movie that he can take sole responsibility for.... he will NEVER, EVER LEAVE!!! WE'LL HAVE HIM ON OUR SCREENS FOR THE NEXT 35 YEARS!!! DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT????
Please, skip The Sum Of All Fears. Or Affleck will take over the World. Do you REALLY want that?
THE HOLLYWOOD NEWS
I used to love doing this in the old news.... someone found me a site that had a huge list of many, many Hollywood stars--past and present--and put down some hot, juicy gossip and rumors about the celeb. I'll link the site at the bottom.... but don't be surprised if you get a "Temporary Unavailable" sign.... the site has problems staying up.
Now remember... I didn't write any of these. Plus, I think the author of this is either a chick, or a flaming homo. Either way, he/she's cool by me.
ALSO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REMEMBER... this is ALL RUMORS... nothing is confirmed! For all we know, these are all lies, falsehoods, and fallacies!
What you need to know....
FOD means Friend of Dorothy, a.k.a. a gay man.
L______ stands for lesbian.
B______ stands for bisexual.
Anything in quotation marks means that the author got info from an actual source.... word for word
Okay... here we go:
Keys, Alicia. There's a bright light shining here--through both her ears, unimpeded by grey matter. Mysteriously overrated as a musician; professional musicians sneer (when they're being kind) at her piano playing and arrangements.
Kelley, David E. Vain. Has done a good job of peddling a quite ludicrous set of exploitive and pandering story lines via his television shows; when religious fundamentalists blame the U.S. for depraving the world, David E. Kelley shows, along with the unspeakable Dawson's Creek, are what they are thinking of. His devotion to casting and bedding women who look like his wife, Michelle Pfeiffer is more than a little nasty; Calista Flockhart is one of the poor women who had to put up with his no-doubt reptilian touch. Used the casting couch to bed Gina Gershon, who is entirely too good for Kelley. Overall, the man has a serious case of the ick.
Holmes, Katie. "Obsessively searching for drugs to enhance and increase her orgasms." Linked with Joshua Jackson, Chris Klein, and James Van Der Beek.
Anderson, Gillian. Divorced. Single mom; daughter reportedly fathered by David Duchovny. May have a drinking/drug problem. Rumored to be bisexual. Hot-tempered. Linked with David Duchovny, Melissa Etheridge, Jodie Foster, Gina Gershon, and Helen Hunt.
Anderson, Pamela. Ex-wife of Tommy Lee and broke up with him again after taking him back; maybe she is learning, after all. Has breast implants. Videotaped sex with her husband; tape was then stolen from them and widely sold. Continues to be surprised that no one takes her seriously; lied, stupidly, about Tommy Lee giving her Hepatitis C when the truth, that it was Kid Rock who gave it to her, was so easily discovered. Formerly with Ben Affleck, Scott Baio, Dean Cain, John Cusack, Kid Rock, Marcus Schenkenberg & Sylvester Stallone.
Woods, Tiger. Emotionally and mentally immature, for all his skill and composure on the golf course. Cheap and a bad tipper for all his millions. Greedy.
Piazza, Mike. Has a taste for Latin men.
AHA!!!! SO IT'S TRUE!!!
No, seriously... the author of this had this morsel of info about Piazza LOOOOONG before all this controversy came up.
Anyway, the full list (although I plan on stealing from it all the time, so if you'd rather stay surprised...) came be found at this site
ONE LAST GOSSIPY NOTE
On Howard Stern last week, something was announced that knocked me on my ass...
You know Alanis Morrisette? (and by GOD, I still want her so bad). You know that one, huge song of hers? "You Oughta Know"? (Still a rockin' tune, daddio). Ever wonder just WHO that song was about?
Dave Coulier... the blonde guy from Full House. It was him.
Yes, she went "down on DAVE COULIER in the theater."
*sigh.... it's times like these when I really want to shoot myself.
ASHISH SPEAKS!!!!!
As some of you may have noticed, 411 owner and resident "straight news is the ONLY news worthwhile" guy, Ashish tends to use the phrase "Like I said" several times in each of his columns. A few weeks ago, he used the phrase (and alternatives such as "As I said" and it's ilk) a record 16 times in one single column. Well, I caught up with him on AIM yesterday, and CONFRONTED HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL... witness:
Hyatte1com: Ash... we should talk about how you abuse the phrase "Like I said" all the time?
Stone9Cold: "Like I said" is key to a great news report
Hyatte1com: I read it and keep picturing you wagging your finger at the reader while lecturing
Stone9Cold: they need to get the facts down, it is the only way they will learn
Hyatte1com: oh my God.
Stone9Cold: Widro sucks at everything
Hyatte1com: I know, nevermind that... now here is a list of people I want banned from the 411 forum
Stone9Cold: Just go away Hyatte.
Then he logged off.
Just about all of that is true, by the way. The stuff I made up is only BARELY made up.
Moving on....
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Not sure if you noticed...
One of the more popular cartoons when I was a child was Hagar the Horrible. If you don't remember this particular cartoon, it's topic was a Viking that attempted to find his way through the trials and tribulations of life...
In the same cartoon page was one of the more popular cartoons of my childhood, Bloom County. Among the characters were Milo Bloom, Blinkley and Steve Dallas...
Debbie Does Dallas was one of the first "high class acceptable" pornographic movies of the 70's, which paved the way for the modern era of Internet Porn...
Recently, and sadly, Tammy Sytch has become involved in the world of Internet porn, showing her goods for anyone who might be desperate enough to pay for a glimpse at her nether regions. If you do not know the name Tammy Sytch, you might better know her as "Sunny", for her days in the WWF.
"Sunny" also appeared (in her later washed up years) in WCW, which caused many to say that her "Sunny Days" were behind her. Of Course the only people saying this were those that tow the company line via the WCW Internet show
... Which was hosted by Jeremy Borash and featured commentary my savior and yours...
BOB
Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin'
FLEA, who claims that the world does revolve around Ryder and he can link ANYTHING to him.... he dares YOU to give him a topic.
Flea would also like you to know that he never wears neck ties.
Flea would also like you to know that he lets his little daughter stay up well past 2:00 am playing video games (It's true, I "witnessed" it over the phone)... and he simply does not give a fu** what anyone thinks about it.
’N’ZENK
The most bitter man to ever work a match hasd GOT to be Tom Zenk. Seeing how the guy never quite made it out of “near the bottom” part of any card, he damn sure has lots of bile to vent.
Weird, I don’t like this guy, while I LOVE the Honky Tonk Man. Well, seeing how the Tonk ain’t around (although he’s coming back) it looks like Zenk is my Go-To guy.
Thusly, from his site, here’s what he has to say about Kevin Nash and the powerplay he makes:
Earlier this week there were stories that ‘things got heated backstage at Raw as Kevin Nash and Sean Waltman let the writing crew know how upset they were with the storylines they were given in recent weeks. At one point, both wrestlers threatened to quit. Vince McMahon wasn't backstage since he was producing the Steve Austin, Eddie Guerrero segment. Stephanie McMahon wasn't at TV either as she had a personal obligation to tend to. That left Shane McMahon and the writing staff to try to quell the situation.”
So Nash went to the writers when Vin McBully and Big Steph weren’t around? A perfect case of the bully picking his spot!! They pick on the son who's taken all those high-risk maneuvers to get respect with the boys. [I heard Luger say Shane pulled his pants down in the can stall at a venue to show him the quads he'd been working on - so many hours in the gym, squats, blah blah blah... another mark for bodybuilding. Luger put the fool over, gave him a tip or two.] In other words, Nash and X-Pac picked on a mark!!!
It sounds like WCW all over again. The animal are out of their cages and taking over the Zoo. Next thing they’ll have HHH, Hogan, Austin and Undertaker demanding rewrites and creative control (Ooops, they already are?) With Shawn coming back, things could get really interesting!!!!
By week’s end, WWE had a new spin out. It seems Nash never REALLY threatened to quit. So, Nash is a pussy after all [like Vince last week on Costas]. Too scared to play with Vince the way he used to play with Turner, I guess.
Yeah, okay Tommy Boy... tell that to Nash's face, why don'cha.
See, people piss on Nash all the time... I happen to love the guy. The difference between him and Zenk is while Tommy took the abuse quietly while in the business... gritting his teeth and mumbling, "These bastards, I'll show them one day!"... Nash actually has the gall to give the promoters a piece of their own medicine and rile things up while still employed in the business. Nash is PROUD to be a ballbuster... Zenk had to wait until it was over for him.
Let me be the first and only person to say this... NASH IS GOD
BUT, PLUGS
Lots of writers tried to come up with their own names for this section... but let's face it... nothing beats MY title! BWAHAHAHA
Well, whattawe got?
Craig Letawsky continues to answer YOUR questions... WITHOUT the air of snootiness that Scaia always projected (Scaia even around anymore?) It’s Ask411, or “Ask For Eleven”, as the truly Ironic say.
Tom Daniels... his name’s Tom, right? It’s been so long since I had to do this... phones in a new Cheap Heat. No, he really does phone it in... he even says so. The title is “Stagnation”... guess what the subject is.
Everything else, including more damn news told in a straightforward way is supplied by Ashish ... who also plugs every other column... so I don’t have to. Why are there TWO news columns for today? Because neither Widro or Ashish want the barrage of e-mails screaming, “I WANT NEWS, NOT GODDAM MOVIE INFO!!! FIRE HYATTE NOW DAMMIT!!” Guess what, kids... you’re gonna get them ANYWAYS!!!!
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY...
This first Classic Closer comes from about two years ago, during those curious few months when I plied my trade over at ScoopThis. I was just wrapping up the Nitro recap, about to say goodbye when....
Raw wins. Raw has to win. I will not sit here in all good faith and even CONSIDER giving the night to a Nitro where Schiavone went ballistic over the return of the "DEMON"!!! No F-ing way.
I have nothing for the Closer.. so I guess I’ll just call it a night.
This is Hy...
"Wait a second True Believer!"
HY: My God!! It’s Marvel comics icon STAN "THE MAN" LEE!!
ST: Yes indeed My Mighty Marvel Maverick, I have come to thank the Ravenous, Rancorous, Rapscallions who went and made Spider-Man the biggest non-summer movie in the history of Flamboyant, Fantabulous, Film
HY: You mean how Spidey up and made 114 million in it's first WEEKEND?
ST: Yes indeed My Wondrous Web Slinger!
HY: And how it made almost 80 million the weekend after?
ST: Right, my Fearless, Fiendishly Forensic Friend!
HY: And how you didn't get ONE SINGLE PENNY of profit from this movie? EVEN THOUGH YOU CREATED IT??
ST: Ah, My Morose, Melencholy, Madman! I got something so much better! I get to tell everyone that I am Chairman Emeritus of Marvel Comics!
HY: Do you make any decisions whatsoever, Stan?
ST: Of course! Every month I decide what Magical, Miasmic, Marvel product I get to hopelessly shill to the public in my Soapbox.
HY: Do they even run a "Stan's Soapbox" in the comic line Stan?
ST: I don't care, I still churn them out week after whacky, wonderous week!
HY: You are truly the bitch of the comics world. So what brings you here, Stan Lee?
ST: I’m just came to visit your lovely Mopping Up article to spread merrily, mighty, marvel-like good cheer and assure the Lonesome, lovable, lucky lovers of Marvel that Spider-Man is NOT like those other Mighty Marvel Masterpieces of Moviedom that sensationally staggered our silly senses!"
HY: You mean like Dolph Lungren being the Punisher? A stiff foreigner playing a New York Italiano like Frank Castle who was such a rich character that any actor would have jumped at the chance to play him?
ST: Correct My Fearless, Foolproof, Fastidious Fun Bag Friend!
HY: And they could even cough up the dough to get the Punisher’s trademark Skull on the chest?
ST: You bet’cha!! My Capable, Caustic, Compadre!
HY: Or it won’t be like the Captain America film? With the Red Skull being played with an Italian accent, and you had to LIE to us by saying that they delayed the film in order to film more of the Red Skull because he and I quote, "was more mesmerizing on screen than Jack Nicholson’s Joker?"
ST: He should have won the Oscar for his wonderful, wicked, woefully wasted work as everyone’s favorite Nazi German!
HY: Tell me Stan, how could you sit there and say that the Fantastic Four’s movie was any good? THEY THREW OUT A HOSE WITH A GLOVE ON THE END OUT OF A LIMO WINDOW AND CLAIMED IT WAS MR. FANTASTIC’S ARM!!!!!
ST: No Mighty Marvel Mutant Mushhead should have missed that movie! As I said before, the "Fantastic Four" had a whopping 2 million dollar budget and you can bet every penny was up on screen!!
HY: You mean the actors and the crew worked for free?
ST: Well, no... but I had to sell the scintillating, sagaciously stupendous Celluloid any way I could!
HY: And you thought the best way to do it was to tell them that the movie cost about the same amount of money it takes for even B-Movie players to even LOOK at a Script?
ST: EXACTAMUNDO, My Amazingly Astute, Astoundingly Awe Inspired Ape!!
HY: Stan, when will Ravage, the comic hero you created for the "Marvel World of Tomorrow", which you spent the better part of the early 90’s promoting endlessly, which became "Marvel 2020", which you only ended up writing 7 issues of before getting fired, which you made the excuse that you were too busy being a movie consultant... when will Ravage get his movie made?
ST: It’s funny... that laughably lovable load of lasting laudiments Fred Hembeck asked me the same question just the other day... I told him "Fred, the movies are just too tame for a character who is Wolverine, Punisher, and the Ghost Rider all rolled up into one!"
HY: Oh, so in other words, you admitted to an imaginary character that Ravage was too stereotypical of the Miller/Moore inspired "gritty" characters of the late 80’s early-mid 90’s... which guys like you exploited with overpriced, meaningless gatefold covers that nearly killed the characters and the business?
ST: You said it, You Tumultuous, Turbulent, Terrifically True Believer!
HY: Stan, what did John Byrne mean when he said that he couldn’t do "Ravage" with you because even he was amazed of how little power you had at Marvel and even though you practically built the thing from the ground up, you are basically now nothing more than a pandering, pathetic pitchman that even Ronald McDonald laughs at?
ST: Excuse me Son, I didn’t catch that.. My excellently excitingly endearing ear piece conked out. ODIN BLESS MARVEL!!!! ODIN BLESS TOYBIZ!!!! MARVEL STILL HAS THE COOLEST, CRAZIEST, CONDUCIVELY CONFIRMING COMIC BOOKS ANYWHERE!!!
HY: Hey Stan, how can the Thing have sex with that rocky, orange dork?
ST: We never got into that.
HY: BULLSH*T!! Kevin Smith may let you get away with that answer, but I refuse to believe that you never thought of it!!! How did the Thing get laid??
ST: Do you see him with kids, My Harrowingly Hilarious Hyatte?
HY: no...
ST: Well then, I guess I answered your question for you, My Lively, Loquacious, Loser.
HY: No it doesn't!! Not at all! Oh F*ck it. Stan, exactly WHO do you think you are going to attract by writing a Backstreet Boys comic book?
ST: Why, the Teeming, Terrific, Talented, Teenyboppers that read comic books!! These Boisterously, Blooming, Bountiful Boy Bands are exactly the kick in the buxom, blushing, butt that the comic industry needs!
HY: Stan, you senile old man, do you realize that the 60’s were a long time ago and there isn’t a SINGLE fan boy who will buy the Backstreet boys comic book? AND WHAT IS A 80 YEAR OLD, OUT OF IT, OLD TIMER DOING WRITING IT???
ST: With the pulse pounding, procreative, promotional propaganda I plan on assaulting the readers with in my superbly, salacious Soapbox, I expect the Backstreet Boys to be bigger than X-Men. Bigger than Spidey! Speaking of which, the X-Men sequel will debut NEXT SUMMER along with the Hulk!! Old Stan expects every Flatulating, Fabulous, Fan Boy Fanatic to be at BOTH premieres!!
HY: Stan, is it true that if you take off your black wig and your dentures, you’re really Hume Cronyn?
ST: The hair and the teeth are all mine, My Gloriously Gregarious Groupie!
HY: Stan, those teeth are too f-ing straight to be from anywhere other than the basement of Sears!! AND YOU HAVE A THICK PATCH OF BLACK SURROUNDED BY WILTING WHITE!!! WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID, YOU STUPID, SOUL SELLING, SILLY SENILE OLD SITEZEN!!! Gaahh.. now you’ve got ME doing it!
ST: I am trying to kid all of you into seeing Spider-Man. See the movie, then buy every single Marvel comic on the notoriously nosey, nail biting newsstand!!! I have to go!!
HY: 40 years in the busisness and you still live paycheck to paycheck, don't you Stan?
ST: This is Stan Lee!!! EXCELSIOR!!!
He’s gone.
There ya' go. Topical as Hell, by God!
I'll tell ya, going through my old ScoopThis column from the ScoopThis source itself was a pain in the ass.... friggin' guys broke every column down to 14 pages... it's a wonder they didn't single handedly destroy my entire readership. If I never apologized to those readers who actually waded through all that crap, allow me to do it now. If I knew how f**king tough it was, I would have complained about it a LOT sooner.
Finally, let's bring it home with a few samples from YOU.... the miserable, whiny, pathetic little d-wads who are so terrified to say ANYTHING good about wrestling... terrified of being labeled *gasp* a MARK. Yes, let's journey to such oh SO important, opinion-making sites such as 411 (still loser-central), Slash (CRZ=Fascist Hitler-like thug when it comes to content control), A1 (we only have 5 members, but MAN do they post up a storm), and TOA (all we want to be is like those DVD Boys!) and see how many ways they can say that everything sucks.... in other words:
ACROSS THE BOARDS
"I do not think that 411 could have possibly found a more boring and drab replacement for Flea and Grut by giving Ashish the wheel. Jesus Christ he sucks."
"I guess 2 inch dicks appeal to some girls."
"I think Austin completely exposed his gimmick. First he orders f*cking Natty Light (on tap too, what bar has Natty Light on tap?) then gets pretty shitty on Natty Light in like 45 minutes, which it a move more befitting a 17 year old freshman Sorority pledge then a 30 something lifetime drunk. Then he turns his back on a pissed off Mexican in a bar, and he is supposed to be from Texas. Plus Jimmy f*cking Buffet, what self respecting redneck sings Jimmy Buffet, and out of all the Hank Williamses he sings a song by Bosephus?"
"Sure you might get food poisoning at Hooters but don't eat at a strip club, you don't know what you'll end up with there!!!!!"
"sometimes in my room i pretend im triple h and i spit water and pedigre my teddy bear but then when i spit everything gets wet and my mom yells at me."
"A while back, Tazz did a promo he f*cked up and he tried to cover it up: 'I kicked your ass not 1 not 2 not 3... but three times.' It was funny as all hell"
"Imagine how pissed Benoit was to finally get a world title and be like 'screw this. I'm short, can't cut promos, and I'm in my mid 30's but you know what... I'll try my luck working for Vince McMahon.' whoa he has BALLS."
"I went to see the WWF in Birmingham, England the other day and first match on the card was RVD v X-PAC. It was a pretty cool match, nothing spectacular but X-Pac made it special... he challenged RVD to one of those test of strenght things they used to do years ago and after much stalling and karate kicks into air they were finally about to lock up but then out of nowhere X-Pac pulls one of those DX crotch taunt things... comedy genius!"
"Hey, demon. Come to my house tonight and give me sweet butt sex, like demons like. Or I think they do. They used to back in the day."
"They should have 'RVD Slurpee' serve as a code name for a joint. Someone could go up to Flair and tell him they saw Van Dam having one of his 'RVD Slurpees'. Flair will be all confused, and then will eventually walk in on RVD naked. This will show that RVD is not only high, but also gay."
"I can't believe that no one has mentioned Jimmy Snuka yet! He had classic bad promo lines like 'I can break a bone out there, and I'm talking about any part of a bone.' Don't try to think about what that means. you'll only get a headache. His promos also started out really weird, too. 'When you wake up tomorrow, thinking that today was yesterday, and knowing that tomorrow will be the next day..."'
"The only decent thing about Hyatte is when he used to go to message boards and copy and pastes peoples work, like a good little chimp. But when he starts forming and writing his own opinions he loses me."
Hyatte's note: Ironically, when people start referring to their one-two sentence message board posts as "work", they lose ME
"I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for scoopswrestling since that was the first internet wrestling site I went to regularly. I only jumped to CRZ and 411 after they closed down."
"Bring back Scott Hall, the greatest technical wrestler since Mantaur."
"Shit, just bring back MANTAUR."
"And, lest we forget, scoops was the site that unleashed the deadly destructive force known as HYATTE upon the net."
"I think they're moving [The Undertaker] back towards the darkside. Soon you will learn that with the urn gone, he is feeding off the pain his new music causes in our beings.*DONG*"
"Joey Buddafucco is a fat Italian Male. WE INVENTED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, BITCH!"
"Are you all saying that 17 year olds are mature enough to decide to have sex or are you just horny and immoral(sp?)"
"If X-Pac won the WWE world title, ratings would hit an all time.....high"
"I use catch phrases pretty often. 'What', although irritating as hell, is great on kids. 'Did I say you could get up form the table? What?'"
"For another 'Smarkish' group, just go to the Star Wars fans and use the word, 'Meesa.' Have fun watching them break into convulsive shakes and foam at the mouth."
"DON WEST?? DON WEST YOU SAY?!?! Hey, there will be no dissing of the Don!!"
"We always had a theory that Tenay was actually an alien robot tasked with learning about blue collar culture. The tipoff? HE NEVER BLINKS"
"Brock's gimmick as the next big thing was basically a shoot capitalizing on what people really keep telling him, part of the explanation of why some think it's going to his head, and another wrestler was quoted as saying that he basically does things in the locker room (and interacts with some of the veterans) as if he's a bit TOO comfortable, like he's been there longer than he has. So, in reality, he's GoldBrockBillySilvermanLesnarBerg"
"Kevin Nash although looking utterly ridiculous in his flooded Tommy Hilfiger jeans and frosted blond hair, does a decent mike work job in rehabing the NWO, Nash is good for about 5 minutes of good mike work every couple of years. He delivered that, he can go away again now."
"I don't mean to single you out, but I just want to say I'm ALREADY really, really tired of people making grand sweeping statements like this as if they mean something. Especially when I see people ARGUING about it. People, it's done - move on or don't move on, I don't care, but don't feel like you have to make a public proclamation EVERY time you type 'WWF' or 'WWE' in your messages 'cause NOBODY GIVES A CRAP."
"In an unrelated tangent, looking at Nash's hair, we now know where Michael Hayes's mullet went to. Just all part of the plan."
"Once Heyman has control, RVD will be WWF champ in no time!"
"Oh Jesus f*cking Christ just shut up. Do you know exactly what angle's Stephanie wrote, or are you just pulling things out of your ass so you can seem 'edgy' and 'smart'? How do you know that some other writer didn't make some of those angles? How do you know that it wasn't Heyman who made that angle?"
"In the past 15 years, we've had such great things like: Vader's White Castle of Fear, The Shockmaster, The Undertaker Resurrecting from the dead, The Ultimate Warrior under the control of a voodoo lord, A Witch Doctor, An Urn that held infinite power and contained green smoke, Bob Backlund winning the world title in '94, Soviets and Iranians practicing Detente, A Man defect to an enemy's military and retain his U.S. Rank(You'd think they'd promote him from Seargent...), The Giant's fall off the top of a building only to fight later on that night, Kevin Sullivan and Prince Iaukea's Dad wanting to destroy Hulk Hogan (what was their motive again?), A man go from being a happy barber to a f*cking idiot in black and white paint. (I hate you Mr. ZODIAC), Mist, of any color, Double Axe Handle Smash, The Stone Cold Stunner, Chyna; The Women's Rights Role Model, Chyna; The Sex Symbol, Chyna; The Intercontinental Champion, Chyna; In Playboy, Joanie Laurer; Let's laugh because she can't use Chyna anymore, Mick Foley remembering how to use the English Language after KOTR '98, Mae Young gives birth to a hand, An Actor wins a wrestling title that Abe Lincoln held. (That's what burns the most, Arquette!), Abe Lincoln was the first NWA/WCW (and ultimately) Half Unified Champion, Vince McMahon's butt, Vince McMahon's ass (ATTITUDE BABY!), Orphans getting in the way of heels conquering the world, The Horsemen putting Sting in a cage, for no appearant reason, and Robocop saves him, Ken Shamrock-a certified fighting machine-only getting as far as the IC Belt, The Undertaker worshipping Vince McSatan, The Undertaker coming back as the villian from Raising Arizona. The list is limitless, and if we get off of such bizarre and stupid entertainment, we're not going to want to hear anything with sense, now are we?"
"I think Abe Lincoln died a little more than 15 years ago."
And that's that.
Don't expect this every week.... I can only take trolling these boards in limited doses.
Not to get you TOO excited.... but next week, I have something very special planned.... something that might just BLOW UP RIGHT IN MY FACE.
Next week, I plan on exploring a subject... one concerning wrestling... that no one, and I mean NO ONE has ever had the balls to address before.... seriously... no one.
Next week, I plan on making you cringe.
Next week, I talk about the darkest, saddest, gayest thing that I think we ALL did, but are too damn ashamed to admit to.
Next week.... I talk about the lost art of....
Pillow Wrestling
Be afraid.
This is Hyatte